Blarg

I’m so very not all right this month. It’s nice not to have the uncertainty. I mean, it’s possible we’ll be skipped in the next batch or something like that. There’s no guarantees about any of this until we’re holding her in our arms and she’s back in the states with us. But, most likely, we’ll be seeing her little face for the first time next month. Odds are with us.

But there’s still uncertainty about when the referral might come. That’s a big question mark because of the spring festival aka Chinese New Year that starts in China around Feb 18th. Historically the CCAA has sent a batch of referrals right before CNY, but that would make for a very, very long time between batches. So there’s some speculation they’ll try to get two in before CNY…but I just don’t see that happening. I just don’t. It would also be too good to be true.

My money is on the second week of February.

And there’s uncertainty about the match itself. Wow. I mean, how old will she be? Where will she be from? What will be the state of her health? Has she been fostered? Questions ping pong in my head constantly. Yeah, so, I’m (even more) emotionally psycho this month than I have been previously. That’s why the CNN thing socked me in the gut so hard. Normally I can let stupidity like that roll off my back, and I hate feeling so nasty and negative that way. Hate it.

I think I just need to keep myself busy and occupied this month. I have lots of work to do and that’s good. We have two trips to take. This is also good.

:::taking a deep breath::: I may be quieter this month than in previous months.

 

Dear Universe

Dear Universe and the FTB -

Please let this be the last Christmas we spend childless. Please? I asked this same thing last year and you didn’t grant our request, so I’m asking again. The last one hurt. This one hurts more.
Thank you.

 

Pick a card…any card.

Sometimes when I’m in a bunch emo and I can’t trust my intuition, I pull a single card from a tarot deck that I’ve shuffled while thinking about my situation. I don’t read tarot, but I do collect decks of cards.

My favorite is the Osho Zen Tarot deck. It’s not the prettiest one out there (though it is very pretty), but I enjoy the card decriptions.

Since everything seems to be in flux right now and since I’ve come down from my little cloud of we’re-in-the-batchness, I pulled a card. I got nothingness. Ack, right? It’s scary at first when you look at it — completely black — and scary when you think about it from a western point of view. But if you look at it from a Buddist point of view, it’s actually very beautiful.

Here’s the description:

Being ‘in the gap’ can be disorienting and even scary. Nothing to hold on to, no sense of direction, not even a hint of what choices and possibilities might lie ahead. But it was just this state of pure potential that existed before the universe was created. All you can do now is to relax into this no-thingness…fall into this silence between the words…watch this gap between the outgoing and incoming breath. And treasure each empty moment of the experience. Something sacred is about to be born.

….

Buddha has chosen one of the really very potential words - shunyata. The English word, the English equivalent, ‘nothingness’, is not such a beautiful word.

That’s why I would like to make it ‘no-thingness’- because the nothing is not just nothing, it is all. It is vibrant with all possibilities. It is potential, absolute potential. It is unmanifest yet, but it contains all. In the beginning is nature, in the end is nature, so why in the middle do you make so much fuss? Why, in the middle, becoming so worried, so anxious, so ambitious - why create such despair?

Impressively apt, yes?

I’m going to do my best to relax into this time before the referral and treasure each moment of this experience, knowing that something sacred is about to be born.

 

Well…

…It looks as if this batch will not arrive before Christmas. This does not surprise me. My agency thinks end of December/early January and I tend to agree. Personally, I think they’ll come next week, before Jan, just because it seems they like to have a batch arrive once a month officially.

I still can’t shake the feeling — against all rationality and objectivity — that we have been matched. I wish I could shake it because it would make for less of a let down if we’re not in this batch. My intuition says we have, but I’m just not trusting my intuition at this point. I’m way too close to this issue to trust it.

So, in anticipation of us not being in this batch, here are some things I will do in the next month while we wait (some more):

1. Finish getting FD’s room decorated.
2. Save more money. We’re still a bit short for this last part of the adoption and we would prefer not to go into debt for it.
3. Work like a fiend in anticipation of not being able to work for several months after FD is home.
4. Lose some of the weight I have put on from nervous/emotional eating. I think I’ve gained about 5 pounds, but I don’t want to get on the scale to find out.
5. As a salve for my bummed-outness, I will create another blog and hire someone to do graphics for it to make it all purty. I will keep this LJ as well.

CCAA has implemented (will implement) many new rules for adoptive parents — new requirements on weight, health and financial situation. It’s in an effort to pare down the amount of families who wish to adopt from China.

This has been in the news, so you may have seen it. I’ve known about it for a while. I think James and I would be okay under the new regulations. The unknown variable is my asthma. So, I think we could adopt again, if we chose. (We’re just trying to get through this one, so not really thinking about that now.)

The big question currently is whether or not the CCAA will immediately begin rejecting logged in dossiers under these new regs, or if they will apply them to all new adopting families. Most assume the latter. I really, really hope so. I can’t imagine waiting for as long as we have, having gone through all that we have…only to be rejected a month away from referral. My god. I can’t even begin to imagine that.

Okay…now fun stuff. Dude, I need some fun stuff:

I am going to buy this today….

Ergo baby carrier. I’ve been considering a few different ones, but I think this one will be the most comfortable and easy to use. You can use it with older kids, too…which is a good thing.

I am also buying this….

Diaper bag!

 

Gah

I can’t concentrate at all today. Mentally, I feel like I’m slogging through molasses. Worse is that there’s absolutely not a flicker of news or rumor out there anywhere.

In previous months I think I’ve maintained some rationality and objectivity when it came to rumors. This month I have none of either. I’m just hanging on and going for the ride, feeling oddly calm about the whole thing. I’m trying to deny this gut feeling I have that this is the month. Were I rational at this time, I would say the chances of that are slim. However I am not rational and I have this sense that we’ve been matched. James feels the same way.

If I’m wrong I’ll be disappointed, but I don’t think there’s any real way to save myself from that anyway.

In among the hope, anticipation and happiness is much fear. Fear about how we’ll feel when we first see her picture. Fear about going to China and how she’ll react to us. Fear how her health will be. Fear of change. Fear of the future. I really think this is normal, though. I mean, gee, it would be kind of strange not to have fears, I think.

I realized this morning that we’re in our 21st month since we started this process. An elephant’s gestation is 22 months. We’re close!